Following on from last weeks post about ‘Too …’, today I’m going to share another little word that caused me so much trouble.
During one of my counseling sessions, Dr Lee said that there is one word he’d like to see removed from the English language. SHOULD.
This little word is such a powerful, defeating word. I have summarized some of what is said in the book Feeling Good by David D Burns. He says this about ‘Should Statements’…
‘You try to motivate yourself by saying “I should do this,” or “I should do that.” These statements cause you to feel pressured and resentful. When you direct should statements toward others, you will usually feel frustrated. Should statements generate a lot of unnecessary emotional turmoil in your daily life.’
This was something I had to work hard at. The day I arrived late at one of my counseling sessions, I was almost consumed with ‘should’ statements. I should have left earlier, I should have called to say I was running late, I should have been more responsible, etc. All it did was make me feel worse. When ‘should’ statements are directed towards other people, it just increases your frustration towards that person. ‘He should have called me… She should have told me… They should have done…’
I got really good at not using SHOULD (and MUST and OUGHT – which are all related), until something knocked me for a six earlier this year. A court case came up, requiring me to talk about an incident that I witnessed many years ago concerning a 10 yr old child. I couldn’t talk about it without becoming distressed and overwhelmed with guilt at my lack of action at the time. I fell back into the SHOULD trap. ‘I should have done more… I should have tried harder… I should have defended that child… ’ I couldn’t argue against any of those ‘should’ statements. It became such an issue that I sought help and learned something else about SHOULD.
After listening to my story, Dr Lee said to me, “Should statements deny the complexity of the situation.” And it was like a cloud lifted from me. The situation was indeed complex, and when all the facts were laid out, I could see that there were many reasons why I didn’t do more than I did at the time. I was young myself, I didn’t have authority or power to do more than I did. At the time, I did say something to someone in a position to help, though no help came. Driving home that day, I thought about what Dr Lee had said. “Should statements deny the complexity of the situation.” I thought about the complexity of the situation, and keeping that in mind, I tried to see if I could argue against my previous ‘should’ statements. I was amazed to discover that I couldn’t actually think of any. Not one. When I took into consideration my age, my life skills, my own vulnerability, the fact that I did as much as I could do at the time, there were no ‘shoulds’ left.
You really can live without thinking or saying ‘should’ :)
DJ
(c) DJ Stutley 2012
Read Full Post »
Something a little controversial today… This saying evokes a strong feeling one way or the other. Some people believe that you take at face value what others are saying and not interpret it in any other way. Others believe that if you listen to what is not said, and watch body language, you actually get a clear picture of a situation.
